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ABOUT POSTNATAL DEPRESSION
When a woman has PND, her partner’s world can also be turned upside-down, often with severe consequences for him and for their relationship. How men are affected by their partners’ PND, and how couples’ relationships are affected, are topics that have rarely been given the attention they warrant, but we can say that:
- as for women, PND can have a profound effect on men;
- when their partner has PND, men have to perform multiple and often unfamiliar roles, with extra stress the result;
- the impact of PND on a couple’s relationship can be severe; and
- a significant number of men will become anxious or depressed themselves.
‘Living with PND is like riding an emotional roller-coaster’
Men whose partners have PND experience many emotions, and many of these reflect how their partner feels. One man, in a group, a year or so ago, summed up his situation by saying, ‘Living with PND is like riding an emotional roller-coaster’, and there were nods all round. When men talk about ‘living with PND’, they often describe their experience and their feelings in the same way, making the same points, and using the same words and phrases.
Men are usually bewildered by the change in their partner: ‘I don’t understand what’s happened. She’s not the same person any more.’ Many have never heard of PND, and cannot understand how their partner can appear to change so much.
Often men feel helpless, with no apparent control over their family and home-life: ‘Everything’s falling apart. Nothing I do makes any difference. I can’t do anything right.’
Many men feel cheated because their family life is so different from what they expected. Some feel angry about the effect their partner’s PND has on them.
When a woman has PND, she is often unavailable to her partner emotionally, and this can leave him feeling isolated and unloved: ‘I feel shut out’. Furthermore, well-meaning family-members and friends, who focus attention on the mother and baby, often fail to realise how difficult the situation is for the father, and unintentionally neglect his need for support. Some men whose partner has PND also feel isolated from their own friends and family, because of their partner’s reluctance to socialise. Often, women with PND show little interest in or take little pleasure from sex. Lack of interest in sex is often seen by the woman’s partner as evidence of rejection, that he is no longer loved.
Some blame themselves for perhaps causing the depression, albeit unknowingly. Some blame themselves for not being able to ‘fix’ it. ‘Was it my fault, in some way?’ Some blame themselves for not having recognised that their partner was depressed and needed help. Some men have these fears reinforced when they are blamed by their partner, or by relatives and friends, for her PND. Some people – the woman herself, her family-members or friends - find it easier to blame a woman’s partner for PND than to accept that PND is no one’s fault. A woman who has a difficult relationship with her partner does have a greater-than-average risk of developing PND. An uncaring partner can also make PND worse. But there is no evidence to suggest that partners cause PND.
‘Bread-winner, father, cleaner, cook. . .the lot!’
Most men whose partners have PND take on many extra and often unfamiliar chores and responsibilities. After he comes home from work, a man may have to take care of his partner, look after their baby and any other children, cook, clean, shop, keep anxious family-members and friends informed of his partner’s condition, act as his partner’s gate-keeper, protecting her from well-intentioned but unhelpful visitors, and liaise with her doctor. Most men take on these roles willingly, but such a load often causes stress, and many men whose partners have PND feel physically exhausted and emotionally drained.
‘When we do talk, we just seem to snarl at each other’
PND places great stress on a relationship, and increases conflict. To live with someone who has PND – someone who is often focused on herself and her baby only, who is exhausted, anxious, and ‘down’, often angry, who isn’t interested in sex, and who will try to avoid any form of social contact - is difficult. Difficulties can be exacerbated if the man interprets his partner’s behaviour as rejection of him. Faced with a situation they do not understand and find difficult to cope with, and to try to avoid further conflict, many men respond by ‘keeping away’, physically and emotionally. They will stay on longer at work, go to the pub with their mates, or play sport. Some will develop other relationships. Relationship problems that result from untreated PND can lead to separation and divorce. Many long-term relationship problems can be traced to the period after the birth of a child, when the woman had undiagnosed PND. But even when PND is treated, a couple’s relationship can be affected. With early diagnosis and treatment, and with relationship counselling for those who need it, serious relationship problems can be prevented.
‘I just fell in a heap’
A significant number of men whose partners are depressed will become anxious and depressed themselves, either at the same time as their partner, or after she has recovered. This is not to say that these men become depressed because their partner has depressed them, but that these men, like some women, were vulnerable to depression when severely stressed. Some of these men need professional help, and they should be encouraged by their partner, family and friends to seek it.